For anyone that has ever had a boss or a company that sends out newsletters or updates that put a positive spin on a less than positive situation, you can relate to this. With all of the controversy surrounding teachers' pay, Common Core, and PARCC the following was written by educator(s) in Mississippi to be a humorous take-off of how they interpret the weekly update from their local Board of Education Administrators.
Newsletter to teachers:
Mission Statement - The appearance of caring is our primary goal. We have attended many workshops in Hawaii, New York, and Salt Lake City that deal with appearing to care. As a result of this intensive training we can confidently say…“Just because we don’t care doesn’t mean we don’t understand.”
Our Superintendent’s Christmas Message:
This is our Merry Christmas Tuesday Upchuck Newsletter. Just because your state is at the bottom of the pay scale and you haven’t had a raise in over 5 years doesn't mean you can’t have a Merry Christmas…so put on your happy face and spread some joy! Your constant whining about your lack of raises is making some of us feel bad about ours. Have some compassion.
Finance - Yes, we have spent 5 million on common core, and yes you haven’t had a raise in 5 years…in fact you had a pay cut so you actually make less than you did 5 years ago. Look on the bright side. 48 states pay teachers more than this state. So you have 48 options for making more money. In a sense it’s your own fault for continuing to hang around. For those of you who are stubborn, we would like to share this:
Tips for surviving the next five years without a pay raise:
1. Because of your employment in this county many of you have made life-long friends. Sell your house and move in together. Split expenses.
2. Place your kids in foster care for the holidays. There are many organizations to provide Christmas for needy children. They will get some great gifts and you will have plenty time to work on lesson plans over the holidays. They will be more appreciative when (if) you let them return home..
3. Vacations are overrated. Take your kids to the library and let them visit places on the internet.
4. Turn your thermostats way down in the winter. 32 degrees is freezing so everyone should be ok at 35 degrees.
5. Cancel the kids insurance. They can probably qualify for Obamacare. (not to be confused with Obamacore)
6. Get a bicycle to ride to work.
These are just a few tips from our office. I’m sure you can form a committee at your school and come up with a lot more. Maybe we can put them in a book and sell them to an architect.
This is our Merry Christmas Tuesday Upchuck Newsletter. Just because your state is at the bottom of the pay scale and you haven’t had a raise in over 5 years doesn't mean you can’t have a Merry Christmas…so put on your happy face and spread some joy! Your constant whining about your lack of raises is making some of us feel bad about ours. Have some compassion.
Finance - Yes, we have spent 5 million on common core, and yes you haven’t had a raise in 5 years…in fact you had a pay cut so you actually make less than you did 5 years ago. Look on the bright side. 48 states pay teachers more than this state. So you have 48 options for making more money. In a sense it’s your own fault for continuing to hang around. For those of you who are stubborn, we would like to share this:
Tips for surviving the next five years without a pay raise:
1. Because of your employment in this county many of you have made life-long friends. Sell your house and move in together. Split expenses.
2. Place your kids in foster care for the holidays. There are many organizations to provide Christmas for needy children. They will get some great gifts and you will have plenty time to work on lesson plans over the holidays. They will be more appreciative when (if) you let them return home..
3. Vacations are overrated. Take your kids to the library and let them visit places on the internet.
4. Turn your thermostats way down in the winter. 32 degrees is freezing so everyone should be ok at 35 degrees.
5. Cancel the kids insurance. They can probably qualify for Obamacare. (not to be confused with Obamacore)
6. Get a bicycle to ride to work.
These are just a few tips from our office. I’m sure you can form a committee at your school and come up with a lot more. Maybe we can put them in a book and sell them to an architect.
Pupil Services - There is a lot of money in education but reality is the money is tied to kids, so we have to deal with them. Lucky for us at the Central Office, we have a no-kid policy. We make the money and get the raises, while the teachers do all the work managing 27 kids each. Life is good!
ELL - It is no secret that we have not met our AMAO in testing ELL for the past three years. That means we must write an improvement plan. Well, our brilliant boss came up with the idea of making the principals at each school responsible for the ELL program because WE aren't writing any improvement plans here! We have recommended the principals turn it over to the ELL teachers to form a committee and write the plan for us. In fact we haven’t done anything for ELL in the past 3 years and now it will look as if the schools dropped the ball and got us on probation. Lovin Life!!!
By the way, we have our own committees here that we must work on such as: “How to get raises for administrators with out the teachers finding out” and “Providing meaningful job opportunities for our convicted friends.” Believe me when I say, "this takes up a lot of our time."
Personnel - We have many job opportunities for administrators in our county, but if you are a lifelong resident and have done your time in this district, you need not apply. We have posted Help Wanted ads in the Tishomingo and Lee County papers.
Accountability - We are piloting (don’t you love that word) the new CCSS test in two of the elite schools in our district. The other schools will get the same old MCT II that you have always taken, but of course it will make no sense because the students have not been taught using the framework that goes along with this test. The elite schools who piloted the test will have a leg up on the other areas and when all schools take the CCSS test the following year those two areas will outscore everyone. Anyone for merit pay? Hell, yeah!
On a side note - Our district has been under attack from a hate group who is now accusing us of hiring a private eye to spy on teachers and administrators in an effort to detect the mole. While it is true we have hired a private investigator, it is not for that purpose. We are actually using this service to obtain the Chester Chicken recipe.
Happy Holidays!
ELL - It is no secret that we have not met our AMAO in testing ELL for the past three years. That means we must write an improvement plan. Well, our brilliant boss came up with the idea of making the principals at each school responsible for the ELL program because WE aren't writing any improvement plans here! We have recommended the principals turn it over to the ELL teachers to form a committee and write the plan for us. In fact we haven’t done anything for ELL in the past 3 years and now it will look as if the schools dropped the ball and got us on probation. Lovin Life!!!
By the way, we have our own committees here that we must work on such as: “How to get raises for administrators with out the teachers finding out” and “Providing meaningful job opportunities for our convicted friends.” Believe me when I say, "this takes up a lot of our time."
Personnel - We have many job opportunities for administrators in our county, but if you are a lifelong resident and have done your time in this district, you need not apply. We have posted Help Wanted ads in the Tishomingo and Lee County papers.
Accountability - We are piloting (don’t you love that word) the new CCSS test in two of the elite schools in our district. The other schools will get the same old MCT II that you have always taken, but of course it will make no sense because the students have not been taught using the framework that goes along with this test. The elite schools who piloted the test will have a leg up on the other areas and when all schools take the CCSS test the following year those two areas will outscore everyone. Anyone for merit pay? Hell, yeah!
On a side note - Our district has been under attack from a hate group who is now accusing us of hiring a private eye to spy on teachers and administrators in an effort to detect the mole. While it is true we have hired a private investigator, it is not for that purpose. We are actually using this service to obtain the Chester Chicken recipe.
Happy Holidays!
